oh, ho, the mistletoe

Another Friday night, home because I want to be but sort of bored or slightly melancholy, holiday blues or something. It isn't a lack of company, it is a lack of get up and go. I have a zillion things I want to do, and I just sit and think of them all. I want to do them all.

Tomorrow night is my company's party. I feel it is important for me to go, but I really don't want to. It is just another opportunity for me to feel big, awkward and out of place. Perhaps that is my problem, I am feeling big and awkward. I don't feel like I belong. I don't want this feeling. But it has to do with my size and precarious position with my job. Maybe that is what this is about, maybe I am fearful I will get depressed and fat and have no job for a while. Maybe I am helping it to come true. But having to look for a job is just an event that sets an idea in ones mind that you are not valued or wanted. And it spreads, insidious negative thoughts.

I am waiting for my bonus so I can get the shopping done. I don't have any ideas this year for the kids. I have something for all the friends except D. I just don't know what I could get the man who has everything. Sometimes I am able to be creative enough to find him an interesting book, but this year I just have no idea.

I had a second and unrelated dream about a neat area of town, when you come upon it, it seems as though you are in an old neighborhood, another era-- lots of brick and stonework, cozy row houses and winding streets, one street was Kent. It was located on a ridge above town, and it isn't easy to get to it or out of it. It was so real, it makes me want to see a map. In the first dream, which was several months ago, I found myself in this exclusive neighborhood on foot. I wasn't sure how I got there or how I was going to get out again. It was a bit like Narnia, you turn a familiar corner and there you are. Previously, I was shopping and choir friends were in bits of it. This last time, my ex husband was in it. Who knows where these things come from. But I would love it to be a real place. And I would like to live there.

Last Sunday I cancelled going to Sewanee for Lessons and Carols. Tonight I was supposed to go see Hansel and Gretel with Joe, but I begged off. I have been too tired to do anything but come home and nap. I think it is depression too. But I can't let that get me.

Cousin Lucy is doing alright, She had a painful anniversary Wednesday, the first year after the tragedy with her father and family. I called Thursday, I sort of wimped out on her.

I found patterns to make some of the little cardboard christmas villages of yesteryear. They are called putz. I think I might try my hand, as they are not too hard, and I have wanted some so badly. There is a website that has the patterns and instructions. He has done whole villages. I want the whole thing. Kim has a tree full of these little houses. It is adorable. I don't think we had any when I was growing up, but I do remember them, and we had some glittery houses that hung as ornaments. I just love them all. They are so nostaglic!